Transitioning to Grace

I wish I could tell you
or even myself
what happened
watching the moon rise
full over Mascoma Lake last week
my heart in lodged in my throat
my mind completely silent
but for the attention
to the mechanical buzz of light
that has taken up residence
in the connective fibers of my body.

In that almost November wind
the urgency to touch anything warm
to the palms of my hands
and the deep ache in my side
were finally quiet.
The air, full of the crisp coolness of fall,
went undetected by nostrils or nerves that might
register cold, even the light of the bright moon
became filtered, less brilliant
by the changing landscape of my heart.

I am numb in this place of cross currents and unsure
of what comes next.
I feel the soul’s trapped wisdom
in this newborn body,
where the exposure to the elements
rips my unwilling flesh raw.

I wish I could sing, chant,
celebrate this non-attachment,
but instead I moan with grief.

If only I could remember why I started
toward this big water,
perhaps then I might understand
why I am left alone again,
unable to make my way home.

Letting The Fire Take Us

How does one chronicle a life?

In letters. In photos.
In the people and places we’ve loved?

If a fire overtakes the house of one’s soul
what do we grab as we escape the flames
before the intense heat
turns our lungs into useless bellows
for the life force of the long days
and nights of breath?

Images of faces—
our baby selves
and our children’s bright new eyes
unable tofocus in all the light—

Our mother’s longing smile
at forty next to the lines that will follow you
into the next twenty years
if you are that lucky.

The embrace of a life folded
into the pages of albums and boxes
that pale in comparison to the memory
or to the life itself.

If Buddha took my hand,
lead me out of the flames,
sat me down next to his tree of abundance,
he would tell me to leave it all behind—
illusion and all,
notice the fleeting sense of permanence,
he might tell me not to burden myself
or my children with anything but the joy
and suffering right in front of us today.
The knapsack of this life is already heavy
and it is time to release myself
and continue on the journey
lighter than any heart has traveled.

I could give it all to the fire today,
every single item and misplaced trust,
even leave the ashes of my children
with no guilt or sorrow
for the promise of the path
beyond the farthest star.

I would easily fly away there,
never, ever come back
to these tired and charred remains
with a grateful smile
on my true face.

From that distant place
I might finally find peace.