The Coming

The Coming

It is coming
the change all women wait for.
The passage toward the next life
away from our children
and youthful surprises.

My blood has started to speed up,
coming and going
the flood gates opening too often now
as if to drain my memory
of the pain of labor—
willing my well of crimson dry.

Just yesterday I nursed my babies,
felt the milk flow out of somewhere deep
in my bones
bringing up ancient iron ore
into their soft pink mouths,
the filter of sweet love
quivering inside each nipple.

That love is not gone,
but only waiting to find a new home,
perhaps at my collar bone
or in a smooth rib
or at the tips of my fingers
as I travel the edge of a sleeping face.

I have taken notes for years now.
Not from my mother
whose perfect little body
sighed itself shut
without at word-
save the warm waves of goodbye.

Not from her sisters—
who still speak in code about the change
and giggle at the loss of their girlish figures
to thickening thighs
and rounder curves.

My words come from others
who know how to speak of loving themselves
full into grey and brilliant mornings
of first sun on crisp sun
where each foot planted,
though sometimes slippery,
leaves a distinct mark
of gravity.

This is the story I want to tell
as my daughter watches
smiling, marveling
at what my body can still do
as it opens and awakens-
lightening the load
for the next leg of the journey home.
I will gladly hand her the map,
the legend,
and speak out loud
about the view from my side
of the horizon.

May Day

When I was a little girl we made May Baskets out of Dixie cups and pipe cleaners and filled them with candy treats for the neighbors. The trick was to deliver them by placing them on the stoop of the neighbor, ring the doorbell, and run away so they didn’t see us delivering them. What great fun for a 2nd or 3rd grader!

Today I got to have lunch with my good friend Mary who has moved away from New England and lives in Kansas. I got to remember the surprise I get when a friend is suddenly back in my midst and the amazing joy I felt getting to hang out with her even if just for a couple of hours over lunch. I have had so many amazing people come and go in my life and today I got to be with Mary who was the first person who was my friend alone. She wasn’t connected to my children or my husband or anything other than my own circle of influence. It was so wonderful to get to claim Mary as MY friend. My Mary and all of her quirks and beauty.

Who knows when I’m going to get to see her next. . .but today was wonderful and I’m so glad I had that time with her.

April 30th

It is the last day of April. I had trouble posting in March and thought I’d be giving up on this. I couldn’t figure out how to post anything other than question marks in my posting with the heading “Hope”. That didn’t seem right to me.

A friend suggested that I might be able to cut and paste. Here’s my attempt to continue to chronicle my experiences. There’s so much I want to say during this year. I’m already a third of the way through 2007 and I’ve had one good post. I want to say more and have others get a chance to see what is in my head as I consider the end of the world as I know it.

Tonight I went on a walk after dinner with my youngest son, Julian. He fell asleep in the stroller leaving me time to take in the warmth and the wind and the sun. I just walked and thought about this post and what I’d want to say about finishing a third of the year. I couldn’t take my eyes off the baby. He seemed so peaceful and I just knew there had to be something to his face that made me think about this year. His 2nd birthday is less than two weeks away. I want this year to mean something to him too. I want him to know I’m here for him in a way I wouldn’t or couldn’t be if I were working full time and trying to finish my PhD and balance the rest of life. His face is so sweet. I’m so lucky to have such a healthy and happy little boy. And then there’s Jonah and Clair too. Just as happy and healthy and beautiful as Julian.

I’m feeling blessed to be a mother this week. I’ve gotten so much love in return for the love I’ve given these children. They really are such special people. I can’t imagine my life being any richer than having the chance to raise these children. The ride has been so amazing. If this were my last year and I was getting ready to say goodbye to these beauties, I’d feel very good about what I’ve been able to give them. They absolutely know they are loved and cherished and have a place to go for whatever they need.

In May I think there is much to learn and reflect on. I know there is a silent retreat at the end of the month. That will be good to look forward to. I’m excited about starting my comprehensive exams toward finishing my PhD. There are little celebrations and milestones that I’ll soak up and absorb as best I can. It will be like licking the plate with my fingers just to get all the tasty bits of goodness. May can be like that and this one looks like it will really put my attention and focus to the test. I’m ready to start that tomorrow.

Let’s see if this cut and past thing works!