Lost

Avoid it so long—
this longing hidden
like something to be ashamed of
like the skin
always hidden
white under a strap
of a proper black bathing suit,
everything around you tan and golden
from the full exposure to the sun,
but this longing stays covered
bright white and pure
as the untouched skin of a child.
No hungry hands to defile the silent waiting.
Only the stillness of nothing
but this longing. . .
avoiding it if you can.

What do you give away to be lost
in this longing—
to disappear into the black centers
of eyes and find yourself
lost there in the dark,
terrified and consumed
by desire?

Cast your line
over and over again
into the endless ocean of no promise
that can ever be fulfilled
and be satisfied
with retrieving
each empty hook—
each easy retreat
into a new beginning.

Maybe this is what happens
as the soul starts to recognize herself
in the mirror behind the human face.
She looks deeper into the darkness for relief,
running her hands blindly
on the edge of love—
not minding the smooth blade
of the truth as it cuts deeply,
letting the blood spill,
real, onto the floor
of this empty slate.

Get lost here
swimming in the tides
of wanting,
gasping for breath
as you surface
look toward the horizon,
the rescue ship no where to be found,
no island to wash up on
as this midnight castaway.

Bitch
Waiting to Happen

My whole life
I think I’ve been waiting
to happen.

Today on the couch of the shrink
the x-ray minds of the husband and therapist
zap me with the heat of anger—radiation penetrating
to reveal my true self—

You see. . .

I am

a

Bitch.

Cold and calculating,
ready to flush fantasy
with a laugh just under my breath,
unwilling to be controlled again
by my expectations
or by anyone else’s version
of the truth.

This realization is paradise
and I am finally released
with this illumination
of extreme light,
from any obligation to men
and marriage.

Like a new nun
I want to press
my shaven head
to the cool tile
of the floor,
stone
before the altar,
and give thanks
for the life of spirit
bestowed on me
by God.

I am a bitch
waiting
to discover
the joy
of holding
nothing
back.
No hurt.
No harsh word.
No pretending
I’m something
I’m not.