Retreat

I leave for a three-day silent meditation retreat this afternoon. I’ve never done this kind of retreat before and I’m so excited about opening myself to the possibilities of just focusing on the present moment for a long weekend. There’s so much I’m sure will come up in me. I can only imagine on this end of things what I’ll feel like on Monday afternoon on my way back to New Hampshire.

Of course, leaving the world of my everyday life behind is not an easy prospect today. I miss my children already. With my father just out of the hospital after his big fall from the ladder at the farm, I worry something might come up for him over the weekend. My schoolwork should be ready to put on hold after my conference call with my mentor in just a little while. My worries about my relationship with my husband will float in and out of my head I’m sure. Planting the garden will have to wait. Getting a mower for the yard will have to wait. The uncomfortable place of not hearing from my potential dream job will have to be put aside in some other place of disappointment—unattached to the current experiences of my life.

AND what of the world where I run from one thing to the next? I guess that is what I get to spend each breath letting go of.

Yesterday I remembered for a few minutes, in my breath, my mind, and in my body, what it was like to be peaceful for most of my experience in this life. I’m determined to get back to that state of calm and openness to the present moment. I know that is the core of who I am and it is where I am supposed to spend most of my time. This retreat will hopefully get me turned back in that direction. That is the peaceful state of being is where I find my passion and my joy in each day.

I do remember that much, that peace, in this transitional time on my life journey. I think that this time is what this empty space on the map is helping me return to.

Last Week Before My Comprehensive Exams

I really never imagined I’d be at this place in my academic career. . .I’m done with my coursework for my PhD and a week away from starting my comprehensive exams. I guess if I stuck around higher education long enough, getting my PhD was inevitable. I’m really excited about preparing my mind for the exams. It feels like I’ve been waiting to do this and I am exactly where I’m supposed to be. In a little more than two months I’ll start my dissertation, if all goes as planned. That’s really a trip! I’m pretty sure that I can push toward finishing this process up by the end of the year. The idea of then moving on in my career and making things happen on that end, is also very exciting.

So for now, I’m breathing deeply, getting ready for a silent mediation retreat over the Memorial Day weekend, and coming back to write this exam with all the enthusiastic academic energy I can muster. It is what I am supposed to be doing-I just know it.