Second Chance

I could go. . .
stop this unending Breath
and the Mind that wants more
from places we all have come to expect.
But Desire and Fear, like brothers,
were waiting to rob me just when I thought
I was giving them the slip
in a moment of ordinary Joy
on my way to visit Grace
next door to her mother,
Peace.

I was wrong again. . .
Wrong to turn my back in this dark place. . .
believing Love would protect me.
What was I thinking?

What was I thinking?

Now that I’m dead,
on my way to Nirvana,
that land of nothingness,
I remember that I want a Second Chance
at a life that resembles
extraordinary
unstoppable
ecstasy
in the small things.

When I return
I want to be reborn
into the arms of a smiling woman
who sooths my skin with lavender
and insists on bouquets of flowers,
preferably daisies, when tulips and bleeding hearts
have gone out of season.
She will sing to me as I play with my toes.
She will dream me into a beautiful child
dancing in the waves of sun and ocean treasures.
My only understanding of tears
will be the salt of laughter
and a heart overflowing
with kindness,
the milk of compassion.

I will find you here, Love,
collecting shells among gifts of the sea,
and will tell you the many ways
I cannot die like this.

You’ve let me down,
letting me hope
I could count
on that myth of rescue,
when all you could do
was toss a few words,
opaque with your own sorrow
and confused longing,
into the undertow of my passing.

I want to give us both a second chance
to grab life by the small of her back
and pull her close
into a slow dance,
swaying in candlelight
with the blessings of the universe,
waiting for kisses alive with light,
that releases us from the poverty
of so much suffering
in settling for nothing,
even when abundance
was placed firmly
into the palms of our hands,
more than enough to pay our way
to lead the galaxy
away from the paths
where we’ve been robbed of joy
a thousand times before.

I will find you there
by placing my hand into the empty canyon
where my heart used to beat—
before you left me to die alone.
This is where Fear and Desire
talked you into
the comfort
of your own
unbreakable
solitude.

What was I thinking
walking alone,
quietly into the dark,
when all I wanted to do
was forgive you
for knowing how
to love me?