Tulpa

I feel you breathing tonight
my hands resting on my heart and below--
my belly rising and falling toward each exhalation,
each awakening of this sacred knowledge of love.

Each night you come quietly,
your body curves around mine,
gathers me in from the day
of wisdom or sorrow
like the flowers, brilliant blue
and the purest white,
from a mountain meadow.
You, always gentle and strong,
find this path to me so easily in the dark
of this aloneness. The stars or moon,
some cool breeze or distant song of a wood thrush,
let you follow my voice to this new place where
the love of a thousand lifetimes comes alive again.

Each embrace, each exotic kiss lingers in every ignited cell of my body.
I am awake and looking into your eyes,
our heads bowed to the heart of the eternal
and the purple flame where we are transformed
into the mystery of all that we cannot understand at this moment.

Patient lover. Generous lover.
Place your trembling hand on my breast
and feel the heat of this desire.
You honor me in this way
as we are woven together,
fire and water,
by the universal weaver.

You come invited to the tips of my fingers, the curve of my neck
and the small of my back. You come to feast on sweet citrus, warm
bread slathered with butter and honey, and to drink my wine.
You must remove my soiled sandals,
wash my small feet in cool water,
and stroke my humanness with your compassion.
It is a sacrifice we both know from our lessons--
the teachings and the tasks being asked of us.
It is our duty to draw up this impoverished world by the hand
and embrace her, offering her the enlightenment,
the bliss of unconditional love.

the alter of living

I’ve been listening to a audio version of “A Year to Live”. It is very powerful to hear the voice of Stephen Levine reading the words I’ve read several times and tried to bring with me along this path. I’m realizing that there’s so much more attention I want to bring to this life I’m experiencing. The mind is so full of ideas about what should be. I want to be living in my heart and that open space that can bring so much more love and understanding.

I keep hearing Stephen’s voice tonight telling me to soften around pain and fear. I’m hoping that I can get that voice to stay with the mind and heart as I open to the possibility of really living in the present moment. I’ll just keep noticing the fire in the heart and the fluidity of the essence of what remains in my life force.

That’s the alter I want to live and die in front of.

heart wide open

June 1st

Love looks not with the eyes but with the heart. –Shakespeare

If love really looks with the heart, that’s where I want to be this month. I want to open my heart up over and over again to look at the world as if it were only through the heart’s eyes. My retreat was a place for me to remember what I know best about myself—I am centered, compassionate, loving, open, optimistic, whole.

That’s what June gets to be about. . .looking at the world with my heart wide open.

Love looks

Love looks not with the eyes but with the heart. --Shakespeare

Luna Moth at Mindfulness Retreat
26 May, 2007
Barre, MA

Sweet moon flier
captured by day outside my window
like a snapshot of the broad smile of a girl.
The crescent of the night
tempted you with happiness.

The breath of spring air
is on your green, feathery wings,
lightly reminding you of the dark
and the other breezes that brought you
here to me now.

Or, was that just a dream?
Imagined pure joy—
to be heaven bound
toward your true love,
round and full of peace—
a pregnant kiss on the cheek
of nothing but the hope of trying
again tomorrow.

Until then, rest here with me.
We will share the darkest longing together,
in love with what this waiting offers us.

Retreat

I leave for a three-day silent meditation retreat this afternoon. I’ve never done this kind of retreat before and I’m so excited about opening myself to the possibilities of just focusing on the present moment for a long weekend. There’s so much I’m sure will come up in me. I can only imagine on this end of things what I’ll feel like on Monday afternoon on my way back to New Hampshire.

Of course, leaving the world of my everyday life behind is not an easy prospect today. I miss my children already. With my father just out of the hospital after his big fall from the ladder at the farm, I worry something might come up for him over the weekend. My schoolwork should be ready to put on hold after my conference call with my mentor in just a little while. My worries about my relationship with my husband will float in and out of my head I’m sure. Planting the garden will have to wait. Getting a mower for the yard will have to wait. The uncomfortable place of not hearing from my potential dream job will have to be put aside in some other place of disappointment—unattached to the current experiences of my life.

AND what of the world where I run from one thing to the next? I guess that is what I get to spend each breath letting go of.

Yesterday I remembered for a few minutes, in my breath, my mind, and in my body, what it was like to be peaceful for most of my experience in this life. I’m determined to get back to that state of calm and openness to the present moment. I know that is the core of who I am and it is where I am supposed to spend most of my time. This retreat will hopefully get me turned back in that direction. That is the peaceful state of being is where I find my passion and my joy in each day.

I do remember that much, that peace, in this transitional time on my life journey. I think that this time is what this empty space on the map is helping me return to.

Last Week Before My Comprehensive Exams

I really never imagined I’d be at this place in my academic career. . .I’m done with my coursework for my PhD and a week away from starting my comprehensive exams. I guess if I stuck around higher education long enough, getting my PhD was inevitable. I’m really excited about preparing my mind for the exams. It feels like I’ve been waiting to do this and I am exactly where I’m supposed to be. In a little more than two months I’ll start my dissertation, if all goes as planned. That’s really a trip! I’m pretty sure that I can push toward finishing this process up by the end of the year. The idea of then moving on in my career and making things happen on that end, is also very exciting.

So for now, I’m breathing deeply, getting ready for a silent mediation retreat over the Memorial Day weekend, and coming back to write this exam with all the enthusiastic academic energy I can muster. It is what I am supposed to be doing-I just know it.