I applied for a job today. It is a position I think I’m very ready for at a college community I’d like to be a part of . . .I’m pretty sure it is my dream job. I really wasn’t looking for jobs yet. I was hoping to be done with my comprehensive exams. It seems like I need to focus on that process and then start my work again. Sometimes the universe works this way. I was feeling a little impatient with the study period I’m in. I guess this is the universe in action.
Tomorrow my youngest child turns two. I just love two year olds. The people around these amazing human creatures are given such a gift when we take the time to pay attention to the beauty these small ones discover in the world. There’s so much fun there. We’re doing a little party. I should probably make the cake tonight. The family chocolate cake recipe is so great.
Let me go find that and I’ll post it here.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Tuesday, May 8, 2007
Buddha's Birthday
Buddha's Birthday
You find me kneeling
on the alter of this spring,
on the alter of a love bigger
than one life.
The color of the leafing trees
makes me drunk
with a joy that has no words.
The thirsty earth
longing for a slow,
soft rain to touch her skin
reminds me of how much
it means to find you here
kneeling next to me,
watching as the planet turns
toward the sun.
On Buddha's birthday
a thousand years ago
you lay with me like this too.
We had other faces
and bodies then,
but I recognize your soul
as we find these red threads
encircling our open hearts.
How can we deny ourselves
a happiness that keeps finding us,
century after century
discovering the truth of love,
disguised, at first, in the form of a stranger?
It is meant to be shared,
this opening of the lotus
to the sun by day
and the vast darkness of the moon
and her sister stars each night.
Buddha is smiling,
showering his blessings on us
as we find our way back
to a loving embrace,
saying, on his birthday,
"It is right, always, to love."
You find me kneeling
on the alter of this spring,
on the alter of a love bigger
than one life.
The color of the leafing trees
makes me drunk
with a joy that has no words.
The thirsty earth
longing for a slow,
soft rain to touch her skin
reminds me of how much
it means to find you here
kneeling next to me,
watching as the planet turns
toward the sun.
On Buddha's birthday
a thousand years ago
you lay with me like this too.
We had other faces
and bodies then,
but I recognize your soul
as we find these red threads
encircling our open hearts.
How can we deny ourselves
a happiness that keeps finding us,
century after century
discovering the truth of love,
disguised, at first, in the form of a stranger?
It is meant to be shared,
this opening of the lotus
to the sun by day
and the vast darkness of the moon
and her sister stars each night.
Buddha is smiling,
showering his blessings on us
as we find our way back
to a loving embrace,
saying, on his birthday,
"It is right, always, to love."
Wednesday, May 2, 2007
The Coming
The Coming
It is coming
the change all women wait for.
The passage toward the next life
away from our children
and youthful surprises.
My blood has started to speed up,
coming and going
the flood gates opening too often now
as if to drain my memory
of the pain of labor—
willing my well of crimson dry.
Just yesterday I nursed my babies,
felt the milk flow out of somewhere deep
in my bones
bringing up ancient iron ore
into their soft pink mouths,
the filter of sweet love
quivering inside each nipple.
That love is not gone,
but only waiting to find a new home,
perhaps at my collar bone
or in a smooth rib
or at the tips of my fingers
as I travel the edge of a sleeping face.
I have taken notes for years now.
Not from my mother
whose perfect little body
sighed itself shut
without at word-
save the warm waves of goodbye.
Not from her sisters—
who still speak in code about the change
and giggle at the loss of their girlish figures
to thickening thighs
and rounder curves.
My words come from others
who know how to speak of loving themselves
full into grey and brilliant mornings
of first sun on crisp sun
where each foot planted,
though sometimes slippery,
leaves a distinct mark
of gravity.
This is the story I want to tell
as my daughter watches
smiling, marveling
at what my body can still do
as it opens and awakens-
lightening the load
for the next leg of the journey home.
I will gladly hand her the map,
the legend,
and speak out loud
about the view from my side
of the horizon.
It is coming
the change all women wait for.
The passage toward the next life
away from our children
and youthful surprises.
My blood has started to speed up,
coming and going
the flood gates opening too often now
as if to drain my memory
of the pain of labor—
willing my well of crimson dry.
Just yesterday I nursed my babies,
felt the milk flow out of somewhere deep
in my bones
bringing up ancient iron ore
into their soft pink mouths,
the filter of sweet love
quivering inside each nipple.
That love is not gone,
but only waiting to find a new home,
perhaps at my collar bone
or in a smooth rib
or at the tips of my fingers
as I travel the edge of a sleeping face.
I have taken notes for years now.
Not from my mother
whose perfect little body
sighed itself shut
without at word-
save the warm waves of goodbye.
Not from her sisters—
who still speak in code about the change
and giggle at the loss of their girlish figures
to thickening thighs
and rounder curves.
My words come from others
who know how to speak of loving themselves
full into grey and brilliant mornings
of first sun on crisp sun
where each foot planted,
though sometimes slippery,
leaves a distinct mark
of gravity.
This is the story I want to tell
as my daughter watches
smiling, marveling
at what my body can still do
as it opens and awakens-
lightening the load
for the next leg of the journey home.
I will gladly hand her the map,
the legend,
and speak out loud
about the view from my side
of the horizon.
Tuesday, May 1, 2007
May Day
When I was a little girl we made May Baskets out of Dixie cups and pipe cleaners and filled them with candy treats for the neighbors. The trick was to deliver them by placing them on the stoop of the neighbor, ring the doorbell, and run away so they didn’t see us delivering them. What great fun for a 2nd or 3rd grader!
Today I got to have lunch with my good friend Mary who has moved away from New England and lives in Kansas. I got to remember the surprise I get when a friend is suddenly back in my midst and the amazing joy I felt getting to hang out with her even if just for a couple of hours over lunch. I have had so many amazing people come and go in my life and today I got to be with Mary who was the first person who was my friend alone. She wasn’t connected to my children or my husband or anything other than my own circle of influence. It was so wonderful to get to claim Mary as MY friend. My Mary and all of her quirks and beauty.
Who knows when I’m going to get to see her next. . .but today was wonderful and I’m so glad I had that time with her.
Today I got to have lunch with my good friend Mary who has moved away from New England and lives in Kansas. I got to remember the surprise I get when a friend is suddenly back in my midst and the amazing joy I felt getting to hang out with her even if just for a couple of hours over lunch. I have had so many amazing people come and go in my life and today I got to be with Mary who was the first person who was my friend alone. She wasn’t connected to my children or my husband or anything other than my own circle of influence. It was so wonderful to get to claim Mary as MY friend. My Mary and all of her quirks and beauty.
Who knows when I’m going to get to see her next. . .but today was wonderful and I’m so glad I had that time with her.
Monday, April 30, 2007
April 30th
It is the last day of April. I had trouble posting in March and thought I’d be giving up on this. I couldn’t figure out how to post anything other than question marks in my posting with the heading “Hope”. That didn’t seem right to me.
A friend suggested that I might be able to cut and paste. Here’s my attempt to continue to chronicle my experiences. There’s so much I want to say during this year. I’m already a third of the way through 2007 and I’ve had one good post. I want to say more and have others get a chance to see what is in my head as I consider the end of the world as I know it.
Tonight I went on a walk after dinner with my youngest son, Julian. He fell asleep in the stroller leaving me time to take in the warmth and the wind and the sun. I just walked and thought about this post and what I’d want to say about finishing a third of the year. I couldn’t take my eyes off the baby. He seemed so peaceful and I just knew there had to be something to his face that made me think about this year. His 2nd birthday is less than two weeks away. I want this year to mean something to him too. I want him to know I’m here for him in a way I wouldn’t or couldn’t be if I were working full time and trying to finish my PhD and balance the rest of life. His face is so sweet. I’m so lucky to have such a healthy and happy little boy. And then there’s Jonah and Clair too. Just as happy and healthy and beautiful as Julian.
I’m feeling blessed to be a mother this week. I’ve gotten so much love in return for the love I’ve given these children. They really are such special people. I can’t imagine my life being any richer than having the chance to raise these children. The ride has been so amazing. If this were my last year and I was getting ready to say goodbye to these beauties, I’d feel very good about what I’ve been able to give them. They absolutely know they are loved and cherished and have a place to go for whatever they need.
In May I think there is much to learn and reflect on. I know there is a silent retreat at the end of the month. That will be good to look forward to. I’m excited about starting my comprehensive exams toward finishing my PhD. There are little celebrations and milestones that I’ll soak up and absorb as best I can. It will be like licking the plate with my fingers just to get all the tasty bits of goodness. May can be like that and this one looks like it will really put my attention and focus to the test. I’m ready to start that tomorrow.
Let’s see if this cut and past thing works!
A friend suggested that I might be able to cut and paste. Here’s my attempt to continue to chronicle my experiences. There’s so much I want to say during this year. I’m already a third of the way through 2007 and I’ve had one good post. I want to say more and have others get a chance to see what is in my head as I consider the end of the world as I know it.
Tonight I went on a walk after dinner with my youngest son, Julian. He fell asleep in the stroller leaving me time to take in the warmth and the wind and the sun. I just walked and thought about this post and what I’d want to say about finishing a third of the year. I couldn’t take my eyes off the baby. He seemed so peaceful and I just knew there had to be something to his face that made me think about this year. His 2nd birthday is less than two weeks away. I want this year to mean something to him too. I want him to know I’m here for him in a way I wouldn’t or couldn’t be if I were working full time and trying to finish my PhD and balance the rest of life. His face is so sweet. I’m so lucky to have such a healthy and happy little boy. And then there’s Jonah and Clair too. Just as happy and healthy and beautiful as Julian.
I’m feeling blessed to be a mother this week. I’ve gotten so much love in return for the love I’ve given these children. They really are such special people. I can’t imagine my life being any richer than having the chance to raise these children. The ride has been so amazing. If this were my last year and I was getting ready to say goodbye to these beauties, I’d feel very good about what I’ve been able to give them. They absolutely know they are loved and cherished and have a place to go for whatever they need.
In May I think there is much to learn and reflect on. I know there is a silent retreat at the end of the month. That will be good to look forward to. I’m excited about starting my comprehensive exams toward finishing my PhD. There are little celebrations and milestones that I’ll soak up and absorb as best I can. It will be like licking the plate with my fingers just to get all the tasty bits of goodness. May can be like that and this one looks like it will really put my attention and focus to the test. I’m ready to start that tomorrow.
Let’s see if this cut and past thing works!
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Monday, March 26, 2007
The Third Month
So, just before the start of 2007, a friend of mine told me about a book he was reading by Stephen Levine entitled "A Year to Live". The friend had read the book before and was doing what he could to simplify his life in this deliberate way. . .what is really important. . .as if it were his last to live.
I was drawn to the idea of how this might work and picked up a copy of the book myself and determined to read it on my way to the New Year countdown. I was hooked in the first few chapters and made a pledge to live 2007 as if it were my last.
I started January 1st and now, as I look at the calendar and find that it is already March 26th, I've wanted to make this a deliberate process. Making the blog may help me be accountable to myself and to the universe as it watches me find my way toward a more grateful and awake life.
With that said. . .my assignment for this third month is to "Each day become more fully alive. Practice noting gently and nonjudgmentally through out the day. Add mindfulness practice to soft-belly opening work: fifteen minutes soft belly and twenty minutes watching the breath, noting the activities of the mind. Approach [life] as an experiment in staying present, in opening your heart. . .Discuss how we fear our hidden pain even more than death, and how noting and mindfulness brings that pain to the surface where it can be healed." (Levine, 1997)
Today I had two good opportunities to look at this lesson. The first came in the mindfulness. I drove to Concord to meet with a mentor and friend who will help me with my dissertation later this year. She is so smart and beautiful and helped me to remember who I am as an educator and professional. Integrety that sometimes gets lost in the world was found in our shared conversation. She affirmed my need to be as open and honest as possible to that very important place in myself. It helped me soften my belly and slow my breathing to a quiet place. My heart was definitely more open to those around me who don't share that same awareness. It let the pain of feeling alone go away almost completely. Amazing how sharing the world can do that. It allowed me to be present in my career and educational journey.
The second lesson came when I was blocked out of an internet group I'd been invited to join earlier in the month by a friend I've known since I was in 2nd grade. Needless to say, I was caught off gaurd and felt so rejected. This was a group I was having some fun with and found the rejection as hard to take as it was to get stiffed by a jr. high group. I found out from my friend that I somehow didn't fit the profile of the group and, thus, was "blocked". That hurt of the old days of my teens came rushing back. I was embarassed and hurt and really didn't understand the closed mindedness of those people who shut me out. I had to remind myself to go into my breath and to know that this was probably a good thing. The universe wants me to spend my days more open to the world and the people who I love. Wasting my time in dead end relationships is not where I want to be. What a healing reminder for me to keep in front of me. AND my oldest friend in the world came to my rescue and reassured me of his love and loyalty even when the others shut me out. That's what really counts.
I was drawn to the idea of how this might work and picked up a copy of the book myself and determined to read it on my way to the New Year countdown. I was hooked in the first few chapters and made a pledge to live 2007 as if it were my last.
I started January 1st and now, as I look at the calendar and find that it is already March 26th, I've wanted to make this a deliberate process. Making the blog may help me be accountable to myself and to the universe as it watches me find my way toward a more grateful and awake life.
With that said. . .my assignment for this third month is to "Each day become more fully alive. Practice noting gently and nonjudgmentally through out the day. Add mindfulness practice to soft-belly opening work: fifteen minutes soft belly and twenty minutes watching the breath, noting the activities of the mind. Approach [life] as an experiment in staying present, in opening your heart. . .Discuss how we fear our hidden pain even more than death, and how noting and mindfulness brings that pain to the surface where it can be healed." (Levine, 1997)
Today I had two good opportunities to look at this lesson. The first came in the mindfulness. I drove to Concord to meet with a mentor and friend who will help me with my dissertation later this year. She is so smart and beautiful and helped me to remember who I am as an educator and professional. Integrety that sometimes gets lost in the world was found in our shared conversation. She affirmed my need to be as open and honest as possible to that very important place in myself. It helped me soften my belly and slow my breathing to a quiet place. My heart was definitely more open to those around me who don't share that same awareness. It let the pain of feeling alone go away almost completely. Amazing how sharing the world can do that. It allowed me to be present in my career and educational journey.
The second lesson came when I was blocked out of an internet group I'd been invited to join earlier in the month by a friend I've known since I was in 2nd grade. Needless to say, I was caught off gaurd and felt so rejected. This was a group I was having some fun with and found the rejection as hard to take as it was to get stiffed by a jr. high group. I found out from my friend that I somehow didn't fit the profile of the group and, thus, was "blocked". That hurt of the old days of my teens came rushing back. I was embarassed and hurt and really didn't understand the closed mindedness of those people who shut me out. I had to remind myself to go into my breath and to know that this was probably a good thing. The universe wants me to spend my days more open to the world and the people who I love. Wasting my time in dead end relationships is not where I want to be. What a healing reminder for me to keep in front of me. AND my oldest friend in the world came to my rescue and reassured me of his love and loyalty even when the others shut me out. That's what really counts.
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